The Truth You Meet When It All Falls Apart

Life after being sold the ''dream.''

I’ve allowed the sun to shine directly on my face recently. I’ve absorbed the quiet moments in bed snuggling Pita after I get her out of her crate in the mornings. I’ve yell sung my favorite tunes at the top of my lungs whilst driving Hana hwy these last days, and I’ve felt extremely content in doing so.

I’ve realized once again, as I often do throughout different phases of life, that as difficult as things may be, as challenging as the climb seems in all its stages, I’m incredibly grateful to even be on the path.

I’ve reflected on my past relationships and the turmoil in-between the sweetness and I’ve begun to understand that it is pretty hard to have one without the other. A compromise most seem willing to make and certainly the degrees at which you have either is a large deciding factor but I’ve sat in gratitude amongst these reflections for the equanimity of my life at its current state— ie: single and happy about it.

I’ve thought of the lessened emotional upheavals, how much I love not cohabitating, and my freedom to do and be with whomever, wherever, and whenever I want. I’ve reveled in it truthfully. It’s been so refreshing, after several long term partnerships, and all the effort in ‘‘trying to make it work.’’ It feels so nice, for once in my life (again) to fully release the weight, burden, and stress of constantly seeking partnership, trying to keep my relationship going, or being stuck in the cyclical pattern somewhere in-between. Not to be asked to work so hard for something that pays back, sometimes only nominally, is feeling so in flow. The freedom to work hard towards my own goals. No one around to constantly be sharing energy with, co-regulating to, the benefits seem to be paying off tenfold.

My vision, dream, and plan for my life is materializing now in a much broader, more expansive, and inclusive approach. I am not pining for the nuclear family and have even grown slightly skeptical of it. Shared financial assets, children, cohabitation… none of that screams mystery, sensuality, desire. Of course those things aren’t at the top of my list of importance necessarily, but I will say this; they elude to an energetic state that is much more high vibration than I’ve seen the isolation and challenge put on today’s mother seem. I know that is controversial to say. I’m not suggesting that we should all never have children or get married or that everyone should choose the same path I do. What I am doing is making observations as someone with their eyes and ears open to all outcomes. People get very ignited over this topic, which is fine, I get it’s importance but becoming elevated or enraged only signals to me that there is a larger reaction than necessary happening in the display. I love to open up taboo topics for conversation and although I’ll be sharing thoughts and opinions, I’m hardly ever set in a decision myself or concluding in any way, shape, or form that my opinion or choice is the ‘‘way.’’

I do feel like bringing voice to alternative options to the nuclear family is a really nice idea. I like opening up the conversation for a broader audience (Hi LGBTQ friends!)
that have never been included in the heteronormative, nuclear family representation, and those of us that just may be feeling ‘‘left behind’’ in this restrictive narrative. Those of us going through divorce after children, separation in our late 30’s or early 40’s, those of us facing the challenge of the status quo.

I’d like to share where my thoughts have drifted so as to offer more options for those of us that just don’t want to swim upstream, and fight the flow, to force a dynamic that could in all honesty be a MUCH gnarlier situation than never having the family or marriage at all because we felt pressured to do so.

I think that’s what happened to a lot of our parents generation honestly, marrying out of necessity over choice, but 2025 is all about choice, so what do we want our lives to look like?

For me, I got this land to build a community, and I intend to follow through with that. I want to start a regenerative farm and co-living space here. I want to build the soil that was, historically speaking, old pineapple plantation land. Sold off and wrapped in black plastic when Hawaii became colonized. I want to do this land justice. Share the bounty with those of us that live here on this parcel but also my entire street of neighbors. Let them all come to ‘‘farm’’ with their young children and eat from the land. I want to share, sell, barter, and contribute to food sovereignty on this island that ships in 90% of its food currently. That was always my goal here. Lofty indeed, but I continue to inch my way towards it regardless.

Only in the last month or so have I been able to speak my vision out into the ethers for people. A dream I feel confidently is transpiring and so I’m comfortable sharing now. But it took me over eight months of figuring out my footing out here alone after the disruption to be able to acclimate, and to decipher exactly how I was going to be able to do this when the co-financing I’d counted on was pulled out from under my feet, when the dual manpower was lessoned to just one, and when basic infrastructure wasn’t even complete by any means.

Slowly but surely though over the course of the last nearly nine months now, I’ve chipped away at making a difference. I’ve learned so much, gotten help when and where I can, I’ve meandered along on projects and tasks and quite frankly I’ve been able to keep nearly all of the four acres mowed, which is just not a small feat. It’s actually 12 hrs a month @ $100 an hour which I can pay to have done or do myself depending on if I have that time.

Either way this co-living strategy of mine eludes to a future of freedom that I feel most drawn to. A little tent in the jungle always waiting for me, beckoning me back here to my island in the North Pacific. A life lived in flow. Creative endeavors maximized. An optional farm that provides and contributes. The ability to travel and live abroad some amount of the year. None of this dream I have screams family or spouse necessarily, but for me it does feel in alignment. It feels like a very nurturing way to live, an inspiring life indeed. If my contribution to humanity lies not in procreating life but in my personal evolution and gifts then certainly inspiration is a top tier goal.

My mantra’s silently whispered day in and day out, I’ll keep my pace. Stay inspired. Keep growing.

With all my love,

Hannah