On Mother's Day
To all the things we don't know, until we know them.
One of my friends reminded me this morning of when we announced my pregnancy, to our agricultural school class, sometime just a little over a year ago.
She said it affected her, after her loss, and I realized how much I’ve changed since that moment. How different the woman I now am is from the woman I was then because of all the experiences I’ve had in the last nearly 1.5 years. Experience changes you. It gives you insight that nothing else can. It shapes the landscape of the rest of your life, and impacts your life choices to a large degree. It can make you feel a lot of different things, and many different ways, at different times. I speak from a place of experience now.
If I were to ever to get pregnant again, I don’t think there would be any big announcements.
No parties or gatherings under the guise of celebration for me.
I now know and understand being on the other side of the fence. The women, the outliers that experience such great pain in the wake of those gleeful announcements.
I myself feel so much dissimilarly about “announcements” these days. I brace myself and prepare for news that I know will walk me down memory lane.
Announcements, of course, I’ll be all too joyful for those administering, however they are also declarations that I had no idea affect so many, in so many divergent ways before going through my journey of loss and separation, shortly after pregnancy and engagement.
I would be lying if I said I could sit happily in the midst of these moments without a thought to my own past. Maybe one day, but that day may not come for many more. It is in the recent past for me, and I’m hoping what they say is true, about time healing.
Today, more than most days is a day I’ll stay off the internet. I’ll avoid the landmines of pregnancy photos, sweet quotes for all us ‘‘mothers’’ because although it’s a nice sentiment to often feel included, it brings up a deeply rooted sadness all the same.
Sending so much love,
Me
